Matt Rhodes, CFA

San Francisco, CA
Charterholder since 2005

Haiku CFA

Study guides and books?
Calculated choice. So tired.
Years pass, three letters.

Why Am I Doing This?

A Humorous Essay About CFA Exams

It was a foggy summer day in 2004, and the mood at San Francisco’s Bill Graham Civic Auditorium was far from jubilant. The last time I had walked those hallowed halls, I was taking in a raucous Widespread Panic concert. That lovely June morning, I was there to take Level II of the CFA exam. I was in a very different state of mind.

After passing Level II, I got my wish—a job as an associate equity analyst. Watch what you wish for. I was suddenly working 80 hours a week and completely befuddled, utterly stunned by my inability to comprehend anything.

I am a failed novelist. How did I end up dreaming in Excel grids and pitching education stocks to hedge fund analysts? I repeatedly asked myself during my last leg of frantic CFA scrambling: Why am I doing this?

I was chasing the almighty buck to impress girls, but working 80 hours a week and studying another 30 doomed any potential relationship. I also wanted to be able to afford a mediocre, outdated one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco.

After disappearing socially for months, we finally enter the CFA abattoir on exam day. We park at the dismal Disneyland, hundreds of cars belching frightened finance whizzes into an enormous, staid testing center. We feel defeated and sick before we even open up our clear plastic bags for inspection, each one meticulously stocked with preapproved testing supplies. Pity the soul who brings a banned calculator.

When it came to actually taking the exams, I had a strategy. The tests are graded on a mysterious curve. All I had to do was perform better than a certain percentage of everyone else, and I was golden. I would stroll around the testing centers casually whistling, beaming insane confident smiles. I could smell the fear of my incredulous compatriots.

I once witnessed a nervous, malnourished young man literally shred a pencil with his teeth as he frantically tried to absorb just five more minutes of note card material. He was a financially savvy beaver, sacrificing his parents’ investment in dental care simply to pass this unforgiving test.

Were it within the CFA Institute’s brand guidelines, I would have tattooed “CFA” on my forehead after Level III. However, CFA tattoos must be located between the elbow and shoulder and visible to the public less than 30% of your waking hours.

I now humbly continue the inexorable march toward more alpha, all the while secretly longing for the next dinner party, whence I can anesthetize my guests with a florid description of “alpha.”

Matt is director, Corporate FP&A and Investor Relations for Intuit, Inc. Before that, he held positions in Investor Relations at Yahoo! Inc., and equity research for Banc of America Securities. He holds an MBA from The Haas School of Business at UC Berkeley. For more of Matt’s writings, see The Smatter, the online “platform and forum for creative, open-minded capitalists” that he publishes in his spare time.